Aside from my public Healthy U before and after photos I haven't shared any before and afters, or side by sides as of yet.

Up until this point I really hadn't felt led to do so or even interested in digging up an old photo.

(However, this gem showed up on my timehop just the other day.)

As I was looking through my photos from our trip to the pumpkin patch from today something told me to go back and look at the picture from a year ago.

I did.

I need to be clear.  

We are ALL human and I would be lying if I said along the way I have never given thought to my outward appearance. 

Most people might assume I'm on this journey to look a "certain way." 

Sure I want to be beautiful and yes, I want to look put together.

However, I can honestly say this journey is NOT about what I look like.

I've lost weight before.  I have many other before and afters from the past.

When I first began this journey a shift occurred and unlike my attempts from the past that were centered on superficial, outward results, this experience has been an internal transformation.

When I was comparing the two it wasn't the drastic change in physical appearance 

that moved me to tears.

....I felt myself go back....

 and for a moment I remembered how lost I was.

How it felt.

I remembered how heavy the depression seemed and how sometimes the 

darkness claimed victory over the light.

That might seem like too much. 

 Maybe you're thinking "why is this woman so honest."

Well, I've always been the honest type.

I feel like with this public format I've been given the opportunity to share and so it should be 

nothing less than the truth.

There is no magic pill.  There is no perfect weight.  There is no end.  

There is only one way, and it is pushing forward through it.

No,  YOU don't have to be this honest.  

...but...

I promise when we strip away all the distractions and noise, and we're honest we can bring forth our brokenness and work towards healing.

So let me tell you that often times throughout my journey to freedom it is a
moment-by-moment choice to still the noise and remind myself to choose love.
Not everyday do I want to work out or eat healthy.  Some days I don't have the patience I prayed for.
..still..

I must choose love on a daily basis because God's perfect love casts out all fear.

There is no fear in love.

These seeds of freedom I have been given replace my fears; doubts, shame, depression, and anxieties.

My spiritual freedom is found as I've grown in my relationship and learned the truth about the lies that held me captive.

For many years I struggled with managing my weight.

I didn't understand the strong, direct connection my weight and heart had.

I've lost the weight before.

I've ran the race, fast passed before.

I've squatted my weight in double before.

I've talked the talk, and walked the walk of perfect body image and strength.

I've reached a goal weight and still felt like it wasn't enough.

I've given up all hope and settled in defeat.

I've been humbled and redeemed.

....

I can't promise you I will never gain a pound....

Or that I won't eat the cake when I'm feeling out of control....

(or when I just want to celebrate my daughter turning 6!)

I didn't acquire my faults over night.

They came on one by one, little by little, giant by giant.

I will say the difference now is how I choose to react.

The difference is I realize I am loved despite my imperfections.

I will continue to choose love.

I will abide in the love of my Father,

I will make it through the tough spots.

I would like to challenge you to dig into your insecurites, your fears.

Bring them to the cross.

Be vulnerable and willing to break so that He might make you whole.

Today I cried happy, ugly tears.

Tears of joy at all that has been accomplished.

Tears of gratitude to a God who loves me and carries me

as I stumble and fumble my way.

Tears as I realized just how deeply affected my ENTIRE life has been by my 

insecurities and fears.
Tears knowing how thankful I am to have a family stand beside me and support me.

Tears of relief knowing for the FIRST time in my life I am no longer a SLAVE to these fears.

I wiped my tears.

I'm an imperfect person on a journey.

I hope you find your way too.

I hope you choose LOVE.