SlayingDragons

I can't believe 2017 has come and gone!
What an incredible year it was!

I spent the year on a whole-body journey that was so much more than just physical.
Emotionally and Spiritually I experienced genuine growth.
The weight I lost along the way was a sweet bonus.
I declared early on it was in fact a war, slaying my dragons,
I realized along the way I wasn't alone in battle.
God is for us, for me.
I was blessed with so much support and grew relationships with people who love me.

I finally found my identity.
I'm still working on many things..
I'll always know I'm still unfinished.
However, I'm practicing living a love based life..
I'm no longer living held captive in my fears, shame, and regret.
I know I'm not perfect...
I will mess up, I will stumble, and I will have moments of weakness.
These moments do not define me.
I am Beloved.
I am a child of Christ.
I have not changed who I am...
I am becoming who am I supposed to be.

...


We often find ourselves measuring our value.
I think this is human nature.
We take on labels that create a false self...
We think a certain label makes us deserving of love..
However, You are loved more than you could ever know.
Rest in that love.
You CAN have bad days, this doesn't make you a BAD person.
You WILL have flaws, this doesn't make you less than.
None of those things negate your TRUE value and worth
or the
LOVE God has for YOU.

My faith is the most important thing in my life.
Surrender was the hardest, and sweetest part of this journey so far.
It is a daily choice.  I want to live from love, not fear.
I want a love based live that is anchored in the truth that I am loved.
He is enough.
God cares about us.
Friends and family care about us.
There will be seasons of mountain top victory, and joy!
There will also be seasons of valleys and the darkness will threaten to steal my joy.
My prayer is that I can remember, He's got this..He's got me.
My prayer is that my permanent residence will be in a life of love.
There is no room in love for fear.


...


Here are some important take aways from this year.

*THERE IS POWER IN OTHERS
I've always been independent (ask my people)...
However, the comrade and genuine connection I shared with my HU class
created a security and confidence in me.
It allowed me to open up (in my unique way) and be inspired to create more relationships.
I encourage you to reach out.
CONNECT.
We live so disconnected these days.
Find a group, or 1-2 people who you can share with and confide in.
If you can't find those people, reach out to ME.
I will be the "other" in your life.


*GO DEEPER
Be willing to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability seems to be one in the same as Weakness.
IT IS NOT.
To be vulnerable, to be willing to humble yourself...
Creates growth and change.
We are not meant to stay the same.
We are designed to GROW and CHANGE.
Be the change, be willing to break.
You will be stronger for it.


*BE REALISTIC
This isn't something new.
You've heard it before.
Change does NOT happen overnight.
ITS ALL ABOUT THAT GRACE.
Make the "change" part of your everyday.
Create new habits one at a time.
You can NOT possibly change everything overnight.
You will fix one thing...only to discover a new something.
Keep pressing forward.
BE patient.
BE consistent.
BElieve.


I'm honored to have shared my journey with you.
My ramblings...if you will.
I'm constantly learning...and growing.
Transformations take place in many forms.
It doesn't have to be all about the physical.
Trust me.
When you work on yourself from the inside out..
You will be better for it.

Love you.
Love, me.


#unfinished

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6

Stay tuned...
I hope to continue my journey.
Be encouraged.
Be inspired.
#slaydragons

 After NOI with my family.  Love, my supportive husband and my precious girls..so so much!


 HU group pic!  Love these people and we will always share a connection after sharing in this experience together!


Just me.  
Same me...just working on becoming who I am meant to be.
Always a work in progress!

Aside from my public Healthy U before and after photos I haven't shared any before and afters, or side by sides as of yet.

Up until this point I really hadn't felt led to do so or even interested in digging up an old photo.

(However, this gem showed up on my timehop just the other day.)

As I was looking through my photos from our trip to the pumpkin patch from today something told me to go back and look at the picture from a year ago.

I did.

I need to be clear.  

We are ALL human and I would be lying if I said along the way I have never given thought to my outward appearance. 

Most people might assume I'm on this journey to look a "certain way." 

Sure I want to be beautiful and yes, I want to look put together.

However, I can honestly say this journey is NOT about what I look like.

I've lost weight before.  I have many other before and afters from the past.

When I first began this journey a shift occurred and unlike my attempts from the past that were centered on superficial, outward results, this experience has been an internal transformation.

When I was comparing the two it wasn't the drastic change in physical appearance 

that moved me to tears.

....I felt myself go back....

 and for a moment I remembered how lost I was.

How it felt.

I remembered how heavy the depression seemed and how sometimes the 

darkness claimed victory over the light.

That might seem like too much. 

 Maybe you're thinking "why is this woman so honest."

Well, I've always been the honest type.

I feel like with this public format I've been given the opportunity to share and so it should be 

nothing less than the truth.

There is no magic pill.  There is no perfect weight.  There is no end.  

There is only one way, and it is pushing forward through it.

No,  YOU don't have to be this honest.  

...but...

I promise when we strip away all the distractions and noise, and we're honest we can bring forth our brokenness and work towards healing.

So let me tell you that often times throughout my journey to freedom it is a
moment-by-moment choice to still the noise and remind myself to choose love.
Not everyday do I want to work out or eat healthy.  Some days I don't have the patience I prayed for.
..still..

I must choose love on a daily basis because God's perfect love casts out all fear.

There is no fear in love.

These seeds of freedom I have been given replace my fears; doubts, shame, depression, and anxieties.

My spiritual freedom is found as I've grown in my relationship and learned the truth about the lies that held me captive.

For many years I struggled with managing my weight.

I didn't understand the strong, direct connection my weight and heart had.

I've lost the weight before.

I've ran the race, fast passed before.

I've squatted my weight in double before.

I've talked the talk, and walked the walk of perfect body image and strength.

I've reached a goal weight and still felt like it wasn't enough.

I've given up all hope and settled in defeat.

I've been humbled and redeemed.

....

I can't promise you I will never gain a pound....

Or that I won't eat the cake when I'm feeling out of control....

(or when I just want to celebrate my daughter turning 6!)

I didn't acquire my faults over night.

They came on one by one, little by little, giant by giant.

I will say the difference now is how I choose to react.

The difference is I realize I am loved despite my imperfections.

I will continue to choose love.

I will abide in the love of my Father,

I will make it through the tough spots.

I would like to challenge you to dig into your insecurites, your fears.

Bring them to the cross.

Be vulnerable and willing to break so that He might make you whole.

Today I cried happy, ugly tears.

Tears of joy at all that has been accomplished.

Tears of gratitude to a God who loves me and carries me

as I stumble and fumble my way.

Tears as I realized just how deeply affected my ENTIRE life has been by my 

insecurities and fears.
Tears knowing how thankful I am to have a family stand beside me and support me.

Tears of relief knowing for the FIRST time in my life I am no longer a SLAVE to these fears.

I wiped my tears.

I'm an imperfect person on a journey.

I hope you find your way too.

I hope you choose LOVE.

I woke up this morning 33 years young!

I had my mind set on some iced coffee, my devotional, and some silence!

Blessed be, all 3 of my kiddos slept past 7am and I got my wish.

As I went through my morning routine I had a song in my heart.

I kept finding myself singing the verse over and over.

You all might know by now about me and my songs.

I like having a soundtrack.

I think every season of our life could be summed up in the right song.

:)

So I began thinking about this past year.

Where I was last October.

Where I am now.

There has been significant change.

.growth.

.clarity.

.surrender.

.freedom.

I began to pray.

I know my journey of restoration

is my testimony.

There isn't a step I've taken

in which the Lord hasn't

carried me.

I felt like this birthday could possibly be more significant than those of the past.

I can't put into words what that means exactly....

However, I know it is because I finally surrendered.

I've always been under the impression that I struggle

(weight, depression, self-doubt, etc.)

because I am weak and

 it was my job to fix things.

Then I'd grow frustrated and give up when

nothing changed.

This time.

This time, I know I am weak.

The shift happened when I realized that is OK.

My strength comes from the Lord who is

 "my shield;

    my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
    and with my song I praise him."

Psalm 28:7

As a teenager I had this verse hanging on my wall..and I come back to it often.

"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
    my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
    my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

Psalm 18:1-2

I'm excited to see where the Lord leads me throughout this next year.

My prayer is....

I will continue to press into Him, and trust that His plans are good.

That I can continue to come alive.

For the opportunity to share my story of restoration and transformation

with anyone else who feels stuck.

I want my life to be the proof of His love.

I have been allowed the incredible opportunity to be involved in a ministry for moms.

When I received the curriculum and began reading I was blown away by the handiwork of Christ.

Our theme was all about FREEDOM.

.FREE INDEED.

This is an excerpt from our curriculum:

"That is why this year, we choose wild, unexpected freedom; the kind that brings more laughter and less worry, more contentment and less hustle. Freedom that is so contagious, the people around us are compelled toward their own liberation.

It is a fact that freedom is contagious. That is why we are choosing to go first in order to spark a revolution of women who are choosing freedom over fear. Going first is about being courageous enough to take steps before you are ready, to share the details of your journey, to extend invitations and conquer fears, and lead the way for friends and kids and family. In fact, one of the best ways to advocate for others’ freedom is to go first ourselves, and then we can share with courage and honesty because we have found the keys of freedom. We will go first so that we can set other captives free."

Exactly. What. I need.Where. I. Am. At.

Our scripture for the year reads:
The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor, he has sent me to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set free those who are oppressed, to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord. -Luke 4:18-19



I promise I don't have it ALL figured out.
There are still days I doubt and struggles are real.
However, I'm no longer a slave to fear.
I trust that even in the darkest hours there is joy in the morning!
I'm ready.
#slayingdragons  #unfinished  #fearless  #comeback





I'll leave you with a little song in your heart...



FREE INDEED JJ Heller


On the days, when I'm stuck in the mud
When I don't, feel worthy of love
With the weight, of the world on my back
I'm never alone, remind me of that

I am wild as a wave crashing into the sea
I'm coming alive with each breath that I breathe
I believe, I am free
I am free indeed

I work hard, but the harder I try
I only fall, farther behind
I'm done with the game, I've kicked of my shoes
With you by my side, how can I lose?

I am wild as a wave crashing into the sea
I'm coming alive with each breath that I breathe
I believe, I am free
I am free indeed

If You have set me free
Then I am free indeed
If You have set me free
Then I am free indeed

I am wild as a wave crashing into the sea
I'm coming alive with each breath that I breathe
I believe, I am free
I am wild as a wave crashing into the sea
I'm coming alive with each breath that I breathe
I believe, I am free
I am free indeed

At our core I believe we are all similar.
We all get a plate.
For some reason we invariably think it is our job to fill that plate with 
as much as we can.  
Heaping piles, rarely balanced.
We fill the plate with our passions,
family, friends, faith, our dreams and STUFF.
Eventually we realize our plate is over filled.
We have to remove some of the portions.
Why is it sometimes so hard to take things off the plate?
So faced with the heaviness of an overfilled plate,
we begin removing portions.
Layer by layer.  Bit by Bit.
What a relief.
Sometimes we discover the stuff we had piled on our plate really 
wasn't any good for us, 
we didn't need it. 
Our plate was full of things that weren't fulfilling or satisfying.
We uncover the goodness, the dense portions that sustain us.
..NOW..
With empty space on our plates the desire to fill up once again resurfaces.
This time, however, we...I'm picky about my selection.
Prayerful, about what I select.

So I got to thinking.
There is this plate.
I want to fill.
Less superficial fluff and more intentional fruit,
fruit of the Holy Spirit.
I feel like the plate is my faith, my spirituality if you will.
Before I filled it with mindless choices, not on purpose...but with no real purpose.
My family, my passion, my faith...all of those things were on my plate but they were buried.
Now it is time to be selective about what I fill my plate with.


....So...
What are some things I'm filling up on lately...

As the Lord would have it I have stepped out in faith and am now joyfully serving in the MOPs ministry at my church.  I'm in a leadership role and stepping way outside of my comfort zone.
I'm overjoyed for the opportunity to reach out to other mothers of young children and offer a support group where women can come together and experience authentic community, personal growth, practical help, and spiritual hope.
We kick things off next week and officially begin our meetings on the 12th of September.

We are also continuing our homeschool journey.  This year Lolah will be a 3rd grade learner and Vaida beginning Kindergarten.  In the past I relied too heavily on my own expectations, desires, and talents and ended up second guessing my choice to homeschool.
However, with prayer and encouragement I am confident this is what the Lord has planned for our family and this will be the path we commit to.
We will begin the first week of September!

As I press forward with my commitment to practicing a healthier lifestyle an opportunity was presented to me.  I was offered the opportunity to attend a Les Mills Body Pump training course in STL to become a certified Body Pump instructor at Total Fitness.
Now, this is something I have ALWAYS thought about doing but had let my insecurities and STUFF hold me back in the past.  Attending the training is just the beginning really.  There is much practice and training that goes into learning the proper technique, choreography, and coaching.
I am thrilled for this opportunity and challenge!  


...So...
What are some things you are filling up on...

I've enjoyed the past couple months of summer with my girls.  

Pool, dance, summer adventures, and slumber parties! 

One of the biggest commitments I made going into this year was to keep my family top priority in this journey to getting my health back.

I didn't want to become a slave to this journey.  My goal from the beginning has been to balance my healthy lifestyle with being a mom, wife, and caregiver.  I had learned that lesson in the past, and I didn't intend on repeating it.  

.Let me explain.

The moment an hour at the gym no longer "feels" like enough and the idea of two hours seems to take priority over being  home with my family, my intentions are no longer innocent.  My mindset has then shifted and what is meant to be "good" for me in reasonable doses has now become an obsession.  That is something I struggled with in the past, and ultimately faced much regret for it in the long-run.  I feel like the Lord has helped me to discern my limits, in regards to fitness.  Moderation is of course my intention, and it is important to me to keep that in .perspective.

*****

I can't help but to reflect and think of all the progress and changes that have happened in such a short time.   I am still so completely grateful for an opportunity to really focus on my overall health.

I like to think of it as a second chance...(well maybe second or third), an opportunity for a clear slate, a do-over.  I also can't help but mention how much this very well mirrors my own walk with Christ, what a testament of God's unfailing love, mercy, and GRACE. 

...To be honest...

By the time January 2017 had rolled around I didn't recognize myself, I didn't feel like myself.

It was like I was wearing a costume; a heavy....depressed, lost, insecure costume that was making it hard to breathe and hard to smile and hard to see me, for me.

I'm not sure what exactly got me there.

I do know the enemy sure liked keeping me there, in a given-up-worn-out-state.

It took me looking past what I thought I saw to remembering who I know I am...my true identity, to pick myself up, heavy baggage and all, and move.  One foot in front of the other.  

The enemy wanted me to wallow in defeat.  To accept defeat.

However, I was done with that lie, over it.

I know we all get bogged down, in a heavy state, with the ins and outs of life.

We all have our vice, our way of coping and pushing forward.

Not always are those strategies in need of repair, but I can bet we all need to be reminded here and there who we are.

I will boldly admit, I'm not doing this on my own.

I have been carried by Him, the one who has strengthened me.

Fully alive and on the path to healing and wholeness.

Of course my story isn't close to being done.

I'm still unfinished...

Suited in the full armor of God..

#slayingdragons

This is my story.

Sometimes we feel like we must be the only one who could possibly be this broken, feel this or ...think that....

.Wrong.

I will continue to be open, sharing and hopefully encouraging you to fight for your identity and passion.  Whatever it might be.

Stand up.  Move.  Fight.

.slaydragons.

.I'm still here.

I know It's been too long since my last update.

!Apologies!

It is sometimes tricky to find the time to sit and gather my thoughts 

and search my heart, and then condense that into WORDS.

I actually can NOT believe we are already near the end of June.

This summer is zooming by!

I have made some fabulous progress this past month, however!

I have hit some incredible milestones I'm excited to share with you!

A terrific one being I have finally said goodbye to the 200's

and HELLO to the 100's!

I'm officially under 200 lbs!

Another wonderful tidbit, I can actually get my wedding band on!

It is still a bit snug, so maybe by the end of July I will be able to 

wear it again comfortably and proudly!

Also, I am so excited about where I am in this journey on an emotional and spiritual level.

We were able to share and learn more about body image 

at our last HealthyU  group meeting.

I can tell you from my own personal experience, 

this struggle with weight goes beyond just working out and eating right.  

I am really making it a point to work on myself from the inside out.

The physical changes that come with the shift in my mindset are an absolute bonus!

I received an unexpected bit of encouragement from a dear friend, whom knows me so well!

Unfortunately, time and life have gotten in the way and we are not able to catch up like we once did.

It meant SO much to me.

She shared the song "Unfinished" by Mandisa.

I wanted to share the lyrics because they honestly tell my story...

and I can imagine, yours too

Crazy schedule.  Crazy mom.  Crazy busy.  Crazy love.  Crazy kids.

Crazy emotional. Crazy mess.  Crazy house.  Crazy fun.

Crazy Life.

I think we all suffer from our own kind of 'crazy' in this life.
This entire month has been CRAZY.
I'm finding as I go through this year, however, there isn't a whole lot of calm, still, or quiet to my life.
And yet, even in the midst of the crazy I have had to commit to keeping the consistency.
No matter how crazy it gets, I've kept my heart in it.
DESPITE
....the missed meal prep....
....the kids' poison ivy and stomach flu that kept us from the gym....
.....  dance rehearsals and time spent on hair and make-up....
....a 2lb weight gain...
.... forgetting to pack my snacks.....
..... leaving my breakfast eggs on the counter, forgetting to eat in the rush....
.... the too late nights, and the early morning wake-ups....
...the DQ blizzards with the fam...
I kept as close to my eating plan as possible.
I found opportunities to move my body even if I wasn't at the gym.
I read a devotional that reminded me of the truths and gave me a healthier perspective
of food and of fullness in Christ.

I tell ya, it is never easy.
This past week I had two different people compliment on how great I'm looking.
I'm hanging on tight to perspective lately.
Yes, I gained 2 lbs.  That was hard.  Not going to lie.
I couldn't give up.  I couldn't let myself wallow in defeat.
I had to reflect on what had been different.
What could I do differently?  Did anything need to change?
I finally settled on, yes.  I could change some things.  Add a little bit of this and a little less of that.
However, I also decided what was 2lbs in comparison to what I have lost?
I got some advice.  Don't stop.
Well, I'm not in the business of stopping.
I might be a bit "stuck" in the since of dropping lbs this month compared to my loss in the previous months, but I'm still making gains in all the right ways!
( I lost 6 by the next weigh-in!  Redemption!)

So when crazy comes knocking.
OR, you wake up one day and realize there is never going to be a day
(Monday, someday, next month...)
better than right NOW to make a change.
Jump on the crazy train and ride it all the way to success!
YES.  I love cliches'.  :)

Be crazy.
Love yourself enough to be the change.
Make crazy progress.
Eat crazy good.
Set goals and crush them like crazy.



Here's to the start of summer break!
Shout out to all you mommies out there.  I'll be the CRAZY mom toting my 3 beauties to the gym, pool, and whatever else we decide to add to out crazy busy lives!
Bring on June...I'm ready to say good-bye to the 200's and HELLO to the 100's bracket!


Here's some shots from our Summer Lovin' photo shoot!